Confession: I probably have undiagnosed adult ADHD.
I read an article on Broadly titled: “‘I Thought I Was Stupid’: The Hidden Struggle for Women with ADHD”
The struggles that some of those women faced felt like I was being monitored on hidden cameras.
On Saturday, I focused exclusively on homeschooling grades. I did not shower, or do ANYTHING else until that was done to satisfaction. Fortunately, husband and roomies cooked and fed kids… and talked to them. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else.
Half the time I can’t find anything I’m looking for and I can’t get organized… and I have major meltdowns if the only consistent item that is remotely organized stops working. In other words, I threw my iPhone across the house because I had trouble with iCloud and it lost my notes, my music, and my calendar.
The hard part about making coffee in the morning is that you don’t have coffee before you make coffee… I did double the water but half the grounds… came up with a beautiful chamomile tea type drink that was definitely NOT coffee.
I got so excited for sunlight I went for a 40 minute run wearing a comfy and totally unsupportive bra and the wrong shoes.
Truth is, I always feel brain fried or scattered. I don’t ever feel like I’m on top of my game because I’m always paranoid that somewhere, somehow, I dropped the ball. I always do. Can you imagine what managing finances feels like?
In all this, I am super thankful for a few things:
1) The stigma around differently wired brains is falling apart. I laugh at the Hispanic memes showing a flip flop as “ADHD therapy” when we were children because it’s true; failing at school was NOT an option and though I graduated summa cum laude, traditional school was never enjoyable for me. Which is also why I’m more introverted; I CANNOT concentrate on more than two people at a time! But now, even if I never get diagnosed and I don’t take any medications, it’s ok. I don’t have to “have it all together”. It’s ok to need all the help I can get.
2) I homeschool! It puts me in a no-judgment league of my own. Have y’all seen the movie Bad Moms? There’s no way I could keep it together for PTA meetings, seriously! But homeschooling allows me to do life with my children on terms I can mentally and emotionally grasp. It also allows me flexibility for my own children when they are distracted or hyper-focused so it doesn’t create an academic problem; if Anakin wants to study Japan for 8 hours today and thus complete two weeks worth of Social Studies in one Monday, that’s great! He’ll just catch up on everything he missed today tomorrow and adjust his weekly schedule accordingly. No missed assignments. No failed grades.
3) I. have the best tribe. Seriously. The moms, the school, the co-op, and the church that has wrapped it’s arms around me and my family are the best in the world! I live in a non-judgment zone. I never feel stupid or scattered – or at least, THEY never make me feel that way (I have my inner demons to shush from time to time, but I digress). I am surrounded by the kind of moms that see me show up to co-op and my kids are wearing two different shoes and we forgot lunches and someone will say, “Here’s a cup of coffee, and our kids can share their lunches with your kids. Go sit down and catch your breath, sweetie.”
4) I have the best family. My husband is the perfect man for me because I don’t think anyone else would put up with 12 plus years of my crap. He doesn’t just tolerate it, he helps! He has come home from work to find that I was so focused on whatever I haven’t even started dinner. No worries, he just starts cooking! I don’t know if he truly understands how disastrous my brain is, or if he only understands how frustrated and upset it makes me feel… but either way, he’s a huge help mate. And so are my kids. They are super helpful and they keep track of their chores to make living as easy as possible. And they are great thinkers with a great sense of humor!
The other day I took my youngest out for errands while the other two were at choir. He’s 6 years old. I repeated to myself all I had to get at least five times. I bought him a hot chocolate and me a latte while we drove around town. We discussed all the construction and how frustrating it is for mommy to have to re-route her life just to get to Walmart. He helped me remember all the items we had to get and even reminded me to tithe online. As we’re heading back he goes, “See Mom? We drank coffee and spoke about traffic, bought something we needed, put money in savings, and tithed. You can go home and just relax now, I did all the adulting for you!”
Yup, that’s how we roll. And it’s ok too.